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Anxiety: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

It’s been a minute. Maybe a couple.

Right now, I’m sitting in the airport in Amsterdam waiting to board my final flight to Belfast, NI. I never thought I’d be spending 3 months here to study at a school I never thought I’d go to. But, here we are.

I titled this Anxiety: the good, the bad, and the ugly because anxiety sucks. But why then, would I add “the good” to the title? Well, I’ll get to it.

I’ve struggled with many forms of anxiety and depression for almost five years now. It’s not something I’m super open about, but it’s been getting at me lately, so I decided to let it out. Now, you could be thinking, “Yo, Big J, why are you anxious? You have an awesome life and you’re about to study in a foreign land for three months.” And to that I say, “Hear me out.”

You see, anxiety doesn’t care about you and how successful or awesome you might be or if you’re about to embark on an awesome new journey, it just cares about tearing you down; eating at your will to suppress it. That’s why, my friends, I struggle, and why millions more do as well. Anxiety just flat out SUCKS. It can affect anyone, no matter their status. Money can’t buy your way out of it


With that rant out of the way, I’d like to tell you a story.

Imagine, if you will, you’re a young man whose life has been pleasant for 15 years. You have a decent friend group and your parents love you more than you could imagine. Now, out of nowhere due to guilt over some bad choices, you have a pit in your stomach. It feels like you’re hungry, but you stuff yourself, and it’s still there. The pit grows over time, and eventually it’s like a large bubble is lodged in your gut. That pit eventually bursts, and out comes an onslaught of despair and thoughts so negative you don’t even want to repeat them out loud. That, is anxiety. That, is depression. And, that, was me.

So, why am I telling you this?

Well, for one, it helps me set the scene, and it also allows me to get it off my chest. Also, I’m telling you this in hopes that you can relate, or at least to better understand what I go through from time to time.

I really love Amsterdam espresso by the way.

So, let’s continue.

I have been crazy anxious lately. I have some ideas as to why, but for the most part it’s caught me off guard. I have been experiencing horrible brain fog as a side effect, and that has been ruining my week. And even though I still feel it as I write, I’m not letting it get the best of me. It’s hard, like, really hard, but I’m trying. I’m praying, I’m meditating, I’m doing everything I can to get rid of it. And writing this is one form of that. I have a hope that because of writing this I can start to calm down and relax. And, I hope that if you’ve read this far, you’ll reach out. I’m not asking for sympathy, but rather, a “Hey, I read your blog and I’ve been feeling the same, let’s connect.” Or, “Hey, I’m praying for you.” Because, let’s be real, I’m not publicly writing this in hopes that you read it and just disappear. Like I said in my previous post, I want this to be a dialogue.

So, with that out of the way, please remember to reach out. Not to me, but to everyone who struggles. And even if you don’t know if someone is struggling, just reach out and be a decent human being. We’re in this together.

I’m about to hop on the plane soon, but I’ll be sure to write about my travels. I’ll continue to pray and to ask God for clarity. And, if that’s your thing, would you please do the same?



PS. I forgot to explain the good part of anxiety. Well, I’m anxious to see a new land. To live in another country. It’s normal and healthy to feel those things, and I’m glad I feel it for those reasons.

Other than that, it sucks. But I’ll get through it, and so will you.

Pic credits to Lindsey Chambley. Part of the //closure// project.

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